A man and a woman had been married for 60 years. They shared everything. They kept no secrets from one another except that the woman had a shoe box in the top of the closet that she cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about it.
Until one day.....
For all those years the man never thought about the box. But one day the woman fell ill and the doctor said she wouldn't recover.
In sorting out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it he found 2 crocheted dolls and $95,000.
He asked her about the contents.
"When we were married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret to a happy marriage was to never argue. She tole me that if I ever got angry with your I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."
The man was so moved he had to fight back tears.. Only 2 dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him twice in all those 60 years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness!
"As for the money," she continued, "that's what I made from selling the dolls."
I'm this many old.
When a telemarketer calls, I stay quiet for a bit.
After they say "hello" a few times, I whisper, "What are you wearing?"
I got sick of my wife calling me stupid. So I packed my bags and headed toward the door.
The b&$#h laughed at me again when the stewardess told me to get back in my seat.
Old Lang sign.
Remember when they used to lock up insane people for their own safety?
Now they just let them wander aimlessly around Congress and vote on laws!
Important Things My Mother Taught Me
1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...
"Just wait until your father gets home."
2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING....
"You are going to get it when we get home!"
3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE...
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you! Don't talk back to me!"
4. My Mother taught me LOGIC...
"If you fall out off that swing and break your neck, your not going to the store with me."
5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD...
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."
7 My Mother taught me HUMOR...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
8 My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
9. My Mother taught me about GENETICS...
"You're just like your father."
10. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS...
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"
11. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."
12. And my all time favorite... JUSTICE...
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you....Then you'll see what it's like."