I hate when people ask me, "Are you ticklish?"
It doesn't matter whether you say yes or no, they're going to touch you.
If you don't want people to touch you to see if you're ticklish, you have to say something like, "I have diarrhea. Now don't touch me because you'll make it come out."
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If you take the word "milk" and change only four letters you get "beer."
How amazing is that??!?
----------
Whew! At least now we know there IS an end!
----------
I think it's really awesome that Bruce Lee studied philosophy and poetry, then applied it to something beautiful, Like punching people in the face.
----------
Global warming is real!
----------
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck...
...You're drunk! Ducks don't talk!
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Is there no end to their cruelty?
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For you practical jokers out there.
Not that I know any personally.....
----------
My wife asked for a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner.
I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm for her.
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If there was a pill for procrastination I'd probably consider taking one someday.
----------
When it's so cold outside the ghost trying to haunt you freezes to death
----------
Two Irishmen walk out of a bar.
Hey, don't laugh! It could happen!
----------
The Democrats fear a possible looming government shutdown.
----------
Every time I lose some weight, I find it again in the refrigerator.
----------
.....and the award for the best Hillary impression goes to.....
----------
Just teasin'!
Or was I.....?
----------
Men are from Mars, women are from Venus.
All the other genders that you make up are from Uranus.
----------
Love at first sight.
----------
I went to a clothing store. There I met this woman who worked there. She was amazing!
She showed me to the dressing room and said, "If you need anything, I'm Jill."
I thought, "This is awesome! I never met a conditional woman before? What if I don't need anything? 'If you don't need anything, I'm Kevin.'"
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Regionalisms...
It doesn't matter whether you say yes or no, they're going to touch you.
If you don't want people to touch you to see if you're ticklish, you have to say something like, "I have diarrhea. Now don't touch me because you'll make it come out."
----------
----------
If you take the word "milk" and change only four letters you get "beer."
How amazing is that??!?
----------
Whew! At least now we know there IS an end!
----------
I think it's really awesome that Bruce Lee studied philosophy and poetry, then applied it to something beautiful, Like punching people in the face.
----------
Global warming is real!
----------
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck...
...You're drunk! Ducks don't talk!
----------
Is there no end to their cruelty?
----------
For you practical jokers out there.
Not that I know any personally.....
----------
My wife asked for a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner.
I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm for her.
----------
----------
If there was a pill for procrastination I'd probably consider taking one someday.
----------
When it's so cold outside the ghost trying to haunt you freezes to death
----------
Two Irishmen walk out of a bar.
Hey, don't laugh! It could happen!
----------
The Democrats fear a possible looming government shutdown.
----------
Every time I lose some weight, I find it again in the refrigerator.
----------
.....and the award for the best Hillary impression goes to.....
----------
Just teasin'!
Or was I.....?
----------
Men are from Mars, women are from Venus.
All the other genders that you make up are from Uranus.
----------
Love at first sight.
----------
I went to a clothing store. There I met this woman who worked there. She was amazing!
She showed me to the dressing room and said, "If you need anything, I'm Jill."
I thought, "This is awesome! I never met a conditional woman before? What if I don't need anything? 'If you don't need anything, I'm Kevin.'"
----------
----------
Regionalisms...
