Right now, chocolate is good for you and romaine can kill you.
I've been training my whole life for this!
----------
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez walks into a bar.
Barman: How can I help?
Cortez: How much will you give me for one of your beers?
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If a Muslim beats his wife, is it domestic violence or child abuse?
----------
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One day at school a teacher asked his students to explain what their fathers do for a living.
A girl announced her father was a bank manager. A boy said his father was a construction worker. Another student said her father was a Major in the Army.
When it came Johnny's turn, he said, "My father is a stripper in a gay club. Between shows he turns tricks in an alley for extra cash."
After class the teacher asked Johnny to stay a few minutes. When the others left, the teach asked, "Does your father really strip in a gay bar?"
Johnny said, "No, not really. He's a CNN reporter, but that's too embarrassing to say in front of other kids."
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Pedro had 19 watermelons. He, Juanita and their 2 kids each ate one watermelon. He went to Sam's and bought 22 more watermelons.
----------
A Japanese couple are arguing about how to perform highly erotic sex.
The husband says, "Sukitaki, mojitaka!"
The wife replies, "Kowanini! Mowi janakpa!"
The husband angrily declares, "Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!"
The wife, literally on her knees, begs, "Mimi Nakoundinda tinkouji!"
The husband shouts, "Na maiou kina tim kouji!"
I can't believe you just sat there trying to read this!
You don't know any Japaneses!
You'll read anything as long as it's about sex.....
Sometimes I worry about you. You need serious help!
----------
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Misogynist: A man who hates women as much as women hate each other.
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Some days you meet someone, and you know right away that you want to spend the rest of your life without them.
----------
C'mon, it's almost 2019! How much longer do we have to wait for Black Friday to be declared racist?
----------
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I sleep better nude.
Why can't the flight attendant understand this?
----------
I read today that more of the family is getting into the movie business.
----------
TEACHER: Give me the opposite of this sentence. "Children in the dark make mistakes."
STUDENT: Mistakes in the dark make children.
TEACHER: Get out!
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If I had any transgender kids they could use whatever restroom they want at the adoption center.
----------
Nice to know the origin of things.
----------
I can't believe how shallow some women are.
I met this girl on a dating site. We hit it off quick and strong. We were really starting to connect well and were making some plans, when she suddenly dumped me.
Just because of the type of car I live in!
----------
----------
In the 1960s I was riding my bike when I hit a curb and fell off.
I'm telling you this now because we didn't have social media back then.
----------
Becoming a vegan is a huge missed steak!
----------
Mere moments before he decided there was no need to.
----------
My wife left to take the kids to school. A few minutes later she walked in the door and told me there was a crunching noise when she put the car in reverse.
So I put on some old clothes and went out to rehang the garage door.
I've been training my whole life for this!
----------
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez walks into a bar.
Barman: How can I help?
Cortez: How much will you give me for one of your beers?
----------
If a Muslim beats his wife, is it domestic violence or child abuse?
----------
----------
One day at school a teacher asked his students to explain what their fathers do for a living.
A girl announced her father was a bank manager. A boy said his father was a construction worker. Another student said her father was a Major in the Army.
When it came Johnny's turn, he said, "My father is a stripper in a gay club. Between shows he turns tricks in an alley for extra cash."
After class the teacher asked Johnny to stay a few minutes. When the others left, the teach asked, "Does your father really strip in a gay bar?"
Johnny said, "No, not really. He's a CNN reporter, but that's too embarrassing to say in front of other kids."
----------
Pedro had 19 watermelons. He, Juanita and their 2 kids each ate one watermelon. He went to Sam's and bought 22 more watermelons.
----------
A Japanese couple are arguing about how to perform highly erotic sex.
The husband says, "Sukitaki, mojitaka!"
The wife replies, "Kowanini! Mowi janakpa!"
The husband angrily declares, "Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!"
The wife, literally on her knees, begs, "Mimi Nakoundinda tinkouji!"
The husband shouts, "Na maiou kina tim kouji!"
I can't believe you just sat there trying to read this!
You don't know any Japaneses!
You'll read anything as long as it's about sex.....
Sometimes I worry about you. You need serious help!
----------
----------
Misogynist: A man who hates women as much as women hate each other.
----------
Some days you meet someone, and you know right away that you want to spend the rest of your life without them.
----------
C'mon, it's almost 2019! How much longer do we have to wait for Black Friday to be declared racist?
----------
----------
I sleep better nude.
Why can't the flight attendant understand this?
----------
I read today that more of the family is getting into the movie business.
----------
TEACHER: Give me the opposite of this sentence. "Children in the dark make mistakes."
STUDENT: Mistakes in the dark make children.
TEACHER: Get out!
----------
If I had any transgender kids they could use whatever restroom they want at the adoption center.
----------
Nice to know the origin of things.
----------
I can't believe how shallow some women are.
I met this girl on a dating site. We hit it off quick and strong. We were really starting to connect well and were making some plans, when she suddenly dumped me.
Just because of the type of car I live in!
----------
----------
In the 1960s I was riding my bike when I hit a curb and fell off.
I'm telling you this now because we didn't have social media back then.
----------
Becoming a vegan is a huge missed steak!
----------
Mere moments before he decided there was no need to.
----------
My wife left to take the kids to school. A few minutes later she walked in the door and told me there was a crunching noise when she put the car in reverse.
So I put on some old clothes and went out to rehang the garage door.